I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
