Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
