There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
