Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
