I just saw a hot homeless man
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
