Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
