My liver just broke up with me...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
