We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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