sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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