I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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