All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
