i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
