wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
