I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
