I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
