M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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