So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
