Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
