Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's rum buckets o'clock
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
