Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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