Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
