I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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