Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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