Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
