he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
