I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
