Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
