here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize