I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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