i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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