I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
so much tequila, so little girl.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
