Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
