Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
