He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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