Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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