He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
