Will you blow on my dice?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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