I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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