Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
