She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
