I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
