he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
