I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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