Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
