Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
