My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
