Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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