Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
