cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
