I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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