FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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