but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
