everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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