you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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