Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
