You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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