I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
