i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
