I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
