I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm really busy with my period
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