I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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