Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
