i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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