you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
